Why I Left, and Why I’m back.

Wow, embarrassing this absence has been. (Yikes Yoda sounding! ) I think it’s time I explain myself.

So, it’s mostly because I was sacred. Scared out of my freakin’ mind. I was in a slump and a bad one at that. I have been for something like 3 months now.  I’d written scarcely anything and the longer I went without writing the more scared I got that I couldn’t do it. There was no way I could write, could get words on paper like I had before.

I spent every afternoon staring at a blank screen for at least ten minutes, and the closing it down. It was too empty. There wasn’t any way for me to fill that page, it would just swallow all my words up! 3 MONTHS… 3 MONTHS! I felt useless.

Then I would open WordPress, but I couldn’t write a post. How could I write a post to you all when I couldn’t even write a simple paragraph in Word? I can’t tell you how many drafts of posts I have piled up on here, 6 or 7 I think.  I would start one but I couldn’t finish. I felt like a hypocrite. Here I was trying to tell you all how to write, when somehow I wasn’t even a writer anymore.

Then yesterday, around 5PM I opened up word again. I began writing my new novel (forced myself too,no matter how bad I knew it would be), but something was wrong. I couldn’t get into that ‘writing groove’ you know the one. The one where once you find it you can just roll along indefinitely in it, with words flying everywhere. So, instead of closing down that document I opened up some old files. I went through the second draft of Before This Ends as it now stands (unfinished), then I stumbled around some other files until I found last years NaNoWriMo disaster Ablaze (an unfinished first draft that involves phoenixes, fire, and castles). And suddenly I got that shine in my eye. I could feel it.

This piece that I’d given up on, it wasn’t so bad. Actually, it was… dare I say, kind of good ( in a first drafty way of course)? So, I started. I had left off right in the middle of a conflict. I don’t remember what pulled me away, but I just started and then I was going, just going. I didn’t want to stop. It was like all the writing had built up in me and I was just flying away at the keys. Why had I thought this was going to be hard?

Granted my writing skills are a bit rusty, but a little elbow grease and a couple thousand words can fix that! So yesterday I pumped out something like 4,000 words and am quite happy with myself. Yeah Ally! You aren’t in the writing pit of despair anymore.

My point: Novel Ideas will be getting better because I no longer feel like a hypocrite. See, I’m writing this post right now! :)) So for those of you reading this (if there are any left… haha) thank you so, so, SOOOO much for sticking with me. You will never know what your support means to me.

And for those of you in a writerly slump. Believe me when I say I understand, and it WILL get better.

 

Update:

When I published this post this is the quote WordPress gave me:

The desire to write grows with writing.

-Desiderius Erasmus

Ironic.

Because It’s a Balancing Act?

I get asked a lot how I keep myself in check. How I manage to do all this ‘stuff’ I do, and not pull my hair out and fall apart, or you know, faint. I guess I’m suppose to tell you all how it is that you can balance writing,running a blog, critiquing others manuscripts, being in school, having a social life, playing a sport, playing music, writing music, reading, writing reviews on what you’re reading, doing art, and selling said art. But, honestly I can’t tell YOU how to do all that.

I can only tell you that I do, and it’s not without effort, or struggle, or sometimes collapsing on my bed, and wondering why I even bother because there is no possible way that I can accomplish it all without screaming.

Sometimes I DO scream…

Life in general is a balancing act. everyone has things to balance. Their work, kids, school, training their dog, running marathons. And everyone manages to do it in a different way.

WE ALL BALANCE DIFFERENT THINGS.

WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.

I for instance am an insane procrastinator, so I know I have to get things done early, shut down my internet, smile, grin and bear it until I’m done. Other people (who are not cursed with procrastination) don’t have to do those things.

The thing is that we all need to prioritize. Realizing what is most important and divvying out your time accordingly. You need to understand that YOU CAN”T DO EVERYTHING. I have a problem with this as you can see from the above list of things I do. But, if you can believe it, I actually have rounded myself in by cutting out DeviantArt, a personal (non-writing) blog,photo a day photography challenge, and peer tutoring. Unfortunately I still have a lot to do.

So being honest with yourself is a big thing. Can you really make time to do all these things? Can you really manage another beta partner right now?Will adding another blog on WordPress really help you reach your goals? Will it make you a better person? Will it change you for the better? Will it change others?

Now, if you are being honest with yourself, and you know all the things you simply can not do without and have accepted that you can’t do it all then it’s time to look at how wisely your spending your time now.

Browsing the net for an hour is fun, sure. But is it helping you do any of those things?

ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME?

And I guess that is the whole point of this post. Don’t waste your time. You only have so much of it. In fact it’s the only thing you can’t get more of. EVER. So ask yourself this:

Is your balancing act really a balancing act? Or, are you forcing it to be one? Are you stealing half-hours to catch the end of that re-run of Burn Notice instead of writing/exercising/ playing piano/etc.?

My life isn’t a balancing act.

I make it one.

You make your life one.

Drop what you can, but ask yourself do you have to?

 

UPDATE: On Thin Ice FF Contest Results will be up this Week! KEEP ON THE WATCH

Winter Break is Not WRITERS Break…

Hey there folks! My winter break has begun, and hopefully that means I’ll be getting a lot done. Here, and writing/reading wise.

Anyway, I just wanted to drop by and let you all know what is going to happen with the site (and yeah, okay, I’m going to ramble a bit about writing…) As, I was saying, The NI awards are going to be finishing up in the next week and a half so what I’m going to do this week (probably Sunday) is a couple of the author awards. Best blog series, most inspirational blogger, etc. I have to whip up those badges on Photoshop at some point in the next day or two, so no promises.

Secondly, HOLY CRAP! I have a ton of writing to do. Since my week of finals was mostly consumed by procrastinating on studying, idly perusing good-reads, and baking very sugary foods to keep me up at ridiculous hours to study before finals since I procrastinated diligently studying for finals, and organizing myself I didn’t have much time to write.  So this week I also need to get that done.  I just have to sort out what it is that I need to work on… ugh. I’m mostly dreading opening up THE SHADOWS THAT FELL. It. Is. A. Disaster! So that leaves me with two other choices CARVE (which I’ve been putting off doing since before Nano) or A LIGHT THAT SHATTERS (TSTF’s  prequel). Both are entanglements of disgustingly lengthy proportions, that will surely come out as blah.

Besides all that I also have to finish the final Beta Reading version of my friends manuscript (which, by the way, I’ve had for two weeks, and haven’t  even touched) I am pathetic, and totally lazy I think I just need to get organized.

Besides all of this I also have to do my summer reading project. YES MY SUMMER READING PROJECT. I am so good at procrastinating that I have put it off until winter break. Lucky me my English class doesn’t start until second semester.

Yes, I’m busy. Yes, it’s because I procrastinate. And, No, I don’t plan to stop anytime soon.

A sad bit that.

Que the PANIC

Holy crud I have NOTHING DONE! NOTHING… and now I am a mess of panic, and am madly scrambling around my room trying to figure out where I went wrong! I have had to email my chapter of ABLAZE to Carolyn for THREE DAYS NOW! THREE! And have I written it yet? NO! Why? I’m not sure, because I suck at life probably. UGH!

Also, I have less than a week to complete edits on the manuscript I’ve agreed to look over (and that is WITH an extension)!

All I have to say for myself right now is OMG why am I on WordPress writing a post? WHY!

Because I can’t deal with the total sludge that is coming out of my brain when I try to write, that is why. I mean it’s bad, I don’t like to say I have WB (don’t even want to use the word), but I hate staring at the crap that comes off the keyboard. It’s bad, and I have to SHOW IT TO SOMEONE. I have to show this first draft crap to Carolyn, and act like that is okay? What! It’s not okay, folks. Not. OKAY!

I think I need to go take some Advil, and a nap, because Thanksgiving break is over, and that means I had school today. 6AM wake up calls, and no sleep do not equal a peppy wonderful glittery person/first draft.

I guess I have no choice but to go write some terrible blubbery junk, and email it… And Cally, if your reading this, please ignore any terribly grumpy comments your manuscript has on it. Blame sleep deprivation and my utter crappiness as a writer.

Okay, end rant. I feel better now… sort of.

(Sorry caps button I think I broke you…O.o)

November is Heavy

The plethora of things I should be doing right now is piling up around my ears, and screaming at me. I ignore them.

Right now I should be writing my NaNo novel (even though it’s Carolyn’s night to work on it, so I’m resisting the urge). I should be, working on A Light That Shatters, or plotting out my next project… thus far only known as ‘the Mirror Project” (spooky, I know). And, probably, most urgently, I should be editing the manuscript I’ve agreed to critique for a blogger friend. I belive it’s due on the 27th… so that’s what? four… five days… yeah…

So, instead of doing all those things what did I do today?

I went shopping (what a waste of time… did I really need another skirt for church? Did I really need more sweat pants for track season?… No.)

I Read Sweetly by Jackson Pearce (… I actually did have to do this! It’s completely enthralling! I had no choice! I swear! Blame Jackson!)

I watched the last episode of GRIMM that I missed (… ugh, this show is amazing, Gosh, why does it have to be so addicting?)

I surfed the web for innumerable amounts of time, looking for “playlist music” for ABLAZE (that is what I told myself anyway. Let’s just say that’s what it was. Makes me feel better.)

All, and all my day was basically a haze of eating the last reserves of my candy corn (God, that stuff is good) and contemplating whether or not I can justify pestering Carolyn one more time via text about whether or not our next plot point should occur before or after Italia gets our of that heat stroke delirium. I just feel like the whole day kind of disintegrated in my hands.

And, so tomorrow, I am locking myself in my  room ALL DAY. I will go up in the morning, get my candy corn reserves, and then firmly plant my butt in my writing chair, and WRITE. Since my father is gone on a business trip, dinner won’t be much of an affair, it’ll just be me, my mother, and sisters. I know, I must sound terribly boring. But, if you were looking for Jersey Shore party time, I would leave this web page immediately and go turn on MTV. Haha!

(Still here?…Good!)

Besides eating ridiculous amounts of food and candy corn, tomorrow will probably just be writing/or editing. Since I have got to finish editing that manuscript. I still have thirty pages to read/add comments to, and then I have to type up an over view letter. Ugh… Why is November feeling so terribly heavy this year?

Have a good Turkey day all!

I’ll be back soon, hopefully with some flash fiction and what not!

Whoa! Where Did Ally GO?!

I haven’t posted in over a week! A WEEK! Ugh… sorry I’ve been so gone lately guys, I had to finish an art project that I got commissioned for. I had the canvas for over three weeks, and didn’t even sketch it out until Friday. So, I had a 15-20 hour project to accomplish in three days… No pressure or anything! I literally just finished five minutes ago!

Here it is:

I’m calling it “Wolf Pack In the Briars”. It didn’t come out exactly like I wanted, but it turned out OK.

Sorry about the crazy off again, on again schedule. I’ll be posting tomorrow to make it up to you! have an excellent day all! Talk to you tomorrow; I need to go scrub this paint off my face!

CURRENT MUSIC: Curtain Close by Automatic Love-letter

Embracing The Suck

Hey all I’m sticking to my schedule! See I told you I would! Sadly today’s post is going into the  “Ally can’t think straight so she’s writing this post” category. You knew all these well structured informative posts would not last didn’t you? SIGH

So here is the deal, BTE is at a stand still a complete “deer in the headlights” kind of stop. I’m really not “stuck” per say… more like frozen with”THE SUCK”. Yeah…. THE SUCK. For those of you who have never embraced THE SUCK, then let me explain. THE SUCK, is the condition when you are utterly frozen by the complete grandeur of a project that you know you can not possibly bring to its full potential. Basically you realize your suckishness.

BTE had evolved into this huge giant scale (past weaving into future) thing! It’s totally intimidating just to open up a word document and try to start. I am, as I said, paralyzed by the fear of THE SUCK. My characters are becoming too much all their traits and details are getting too jumbled up in the space between my ears.

This is really a sign that I need to write, but the longer I wait, the more THE SUCK takes over, and the more I put it off. So friends I’m off to embrace the suck at some point this night, and just get this draft started in the semi-right direction.

Good news? School started this week. Okay that’s not that great of news… but the fact that it is Friday is amazing news! So TGIF everyone! Have you guys ever embraced the suck?

CURRENT MUSIC: The Funeral by Band of Horses ( Look it up guys!) 😉

Do or Die Time (Plus a COVER)

My laptop came! THANK GOODNESS! I am loving windows 7, and the new office software, but my laptop has brought with it something I’ve been dreading. Do or Die time for BTE draft 2….

I now have no excuse for not writing so any lapse in word count goes 100% on me, and not onto the terribleness of a crashed piece of crap computer. Kind of puts the pressure on. I’m really stressing about it (even though I shouldn’t be). I feel like I’ve hit a block. You know that big wall you sometimes come up against when writing? The one that no matter how hard you look you can’t find a ledge to scale over it, or a door to get through it. Because, for some reason, you can not figure out how to attack the story you’ve got.

Its frustrating, especially since I KNOW the story so much better than I did before edits. I feel like I should just be able to go and, I don’t know, just DO IT! But something (and I don’t know what it is) is stopping me.

Usually when I get blocked it’s because I’m missing some key point, or I’ve written something wrong that just doesn’t click. With in a  matter of days I can have it sorted and picked back up, but this is different. It’s obvious that I’m missing something big, that there has to be some huge gap in the plot that my brain just can’t wrap around (like a black hole or something).

So to shove that frustration into the back of my mind I’ve  turned my attention to other projects. Namely BTE’s “Prequel”. The Prequel to BTE has vaguely been in the works since BTE itself, though I’ve been on the fence about writing it for the last few months the “BLOCK” has convinced me to dive on in.

So for the first time I present to you Before This Ends’ companion novel “A LIGHT THAT SHATTERS”:

(c) novel ideas life of a teen writer

The Title doesn’t seem to be meshing very well with BTE’s title, but BTE is bound to change AGAIN. I know, I know, this is what? The fourth time. I don’t know why, but I’ve had such trouble with BTE’s title. Though A Light That Shatters feels like a keeper. What do you all think?

Until next time I’m off to write!

A Prompt: Archer and the Pendant

I’ve started editing BTE and in a desperate (and pathetic) attempt to multi-task and accomplish blogging and “force” editing/writing. I’m going to blog a few writing exercises for BTE today. I hope you all will participate in the comments or on your own blog!

So courtesy of www.creative-writing-solutions.com I give you today’s prompt:

Is there anything that makes your character feel safe? Something comforting? Describe what it is and why it makes them feel safe?

I’ll be using my Antagonist Archer (name soon to be changed… I know it’s bad ugh…) for this one. Also to get some brain juice flowing in the writing direction I’ll be doing it in fictional context. Enjoy!

(here is the music I used to write this, click play if you feel in the mood):

He pulled out the drawer, releasing the smell of moth balls, and old wood. He stared into the dark, hesitating. He hadn’t brought it out in so long, but seeing Skye made him think of her… he needed to see it, just to make sure that it was still there. That Skye wasn’t her, or she wasn’t Skye. Sometimes he couldn’t tell the difference. He reached in, deft hands brushing over warbling coins, and buttons, until he found it, his fingers brushing smooth metal. He pulled out the necklace watching the steel chain twist against the pendant. It was an old symbol, one that had lost any real meaning other than her name.

The pendant was a simple t shape with thin etchings of flowers curling up its front. Cold iron in his hands, not how he remembered it. Without the warmth of her seeping into the steel, it seemed only half there, as if he could pass his hand right through it if he tried. But it was all he had left of her. It was the only real thing left, the only thing that seemed certain and safe. The only thing that still held him together.

Gee… that doesn’t read much like a bad guy. I’m bad at making people “hate-able”

PLEASE post your responses here or link to your blog response! Thanks for reading 😀

© Alexandra Sestito

https://novelideaslifeofateenwriter.wordpress.com

Apprehension

No, I have not started editing.

BTE now... but worse (it was suppose to be realistic *shrugs*)

No, I have not begun writing CARVE yet.

Why? I am LAZY… also it’s kind of scary! Don’t laugh at me please! Just let me explain.

You see BTE as it stands is a mess. I don’t even have to reread it to know. It’s slop… it’s grossly disfigured. It basically looks like one of those Picasso abstract portraits… and nor in a good artsy way. It looks more like a five year olds imitation (without the “Aww I’m five and I drew something” factor) And I’m kind of freaking out about editing it, the more I think about it the more I realize that it will not look a thing like draft one (hopefully).

And that involves a lot of work (again…LAZY!)

Secondly, I haven’t begun CARVE for much the same reason. BTE is giving me a complex for starting CARVE. I’m spazzing about writing crap like BTE’s first draft for CARVE’s first draft. It’s innerving. Plus, I feel ever so guilty for the lack of plotting that CARVE has had. Despite me still being psyched about the idea itself, it makes me apprehensive to begin the project.

Besides, I’ve been busy! I sware I’m not just sitting around blubbering like a baby about my writerly woes. I’ve made over 70 bucks in the last four days babysitting, and I’ve been guitar shopping J! I’m getting my beautiful instrument Monday or Tuesday , which means I will be even less likely to write.

So before I’m aloud to play my new guitar, I’ve promised myself that I will download BTE onto my nook and that I will write CARVE’s first chapter. Ridiculous the lengths I have to go to to get myself to write!

What are you all up to?

CURRENT MUSIC: Look What You’ve Done by Jet (LOVE this song! The band is named after my character O.o)